Not all transitioning Mormons have the same experience or the same journey. But one of the common issues many will face is a sense of loss – and the grief that goes with it.
Common Losses
When the average person leaves Mormonism, he or she loses many things.
- A cherished history and heritage
- Friends and family connections
- Certainty about life and the world
- A sense of privileged identity
- Familiar life patterns and rhythms
- Meaningful, life-defining stories
- Much more
Any kind of loss leads to grief. Even if former Mormons are glad to be done with Mormonism, they will still feel the loss – at certain times more than others. Like any grieving, it will express itself in different ways with different people. It will engage a variety of emotions and cannot be rushed.
[Related: God’s Care in Times of Grief]
Loss of Identity
Being a Mormon is a defining identity. So when someone leaves, they face the question: who am I now? The pioneer stories of brave ancestors don’t feel like they are theirs anymore. They may miss old hymns. The sense of being part of a special people is gone. Many settle for a new identity defined by what they used to be. They become “ex-Mormons”. It takes time for loyalties to shift and a new sense of identity to develop. A young woman asked a pastor: “Do I have to stop being a Mormon to come to your church?” She had not been involved in any LDS activities for some time, nor did she believe LDS teachings. Yet she still considered herself a Mormon in some significant way. It’s not easy for transitioning Latter-day Saints to sort out a new self-understanding, or how that new view of self relates to a new faith or a new church.
[Related: Gaining a New Identity After Mormonism]
[Related: Where Do You Find Your Identity?]
Loss of Relationships
Former Latter-day Saints will often be opposed by family and friends on their way out of Mormonism. This opposition covers a spectrum of responses. On the milder end, the ex-Mormon is uncomfortable attending LDS-themed activities because they don’t belong anymore. They may experience friends who don’t have time for them anymore, or family members distancing themselves. Some have lost access to their nieces and nephews. Many are marginalized from family life. On the harsher end, some ex-Mormons have been cut off and disowned by their parents. For others, leaving Mormonism triggered a divorce and efforts to limit access to their children.
[Related: Feeling Shunned After Leaving Mormonism]
Loss of Equilibrium
Former Mormons may feel like their lives have been turned upside down. Leaving Mormonism requires a reordering of their world. The old authorities that gave structure to life are no longer credible. Rhythms of life have changed. Traditions and relationships that brought stability are gone. As they explore faith life in a new church, the symbols, language, and structure are unfamiliar. A person in that situation will naturally feel vulnerable and disoriented. It can be even more unsettling when something in their new church experience reminds them too much of Mormonism. This general confusion makes it hard for some to develop a solid relationship with God, and especially with a new faith community.
People who have never been through a major cultural or identity transition have a hard time relating to what former Mormons must navigate. But the loss is real, and may require a long process to overcome.
