Faced with relationship challenges as they leave a well-defined and familiar relational network, former Latter-day Saints may not feel comfortable building new relationships, or may not know where to find a sense of belonging.
Benefits of Community.
There are benefits to being highly involved in some specific community. In a healthy community, individuals feel a sense of belonging to each other, and are energized by their involvement. They exhibit and internalize shared experiences and common interests, goals, and beliefs. They feel known and befriended, or even loved and cared for. Mutual trust, pride and satisfaction in a healthy community are moderate to high. As a result, many people feel like that group is “home”.
Yet some weaknesses can also emerge through high involvement. Personal identity becomes intertwined with that of the community. The members fall into groupthink. They can lose objectivity about their community. They may experience a sense of emotional harm when the community comes under scrutiny or criticism. They may also be willing to engage in unethical behaviors for the sake of the community.
Aspects of Meaningful Community.
Studies have identified at least six qualities that connect people in meaningful community with each other.
- Unconditional Acceptance. We see others in the group as people, and value them as such (regardless of how they look, dress, or talk). Ee consider the needs and feelings of others to be as important as our own needs and feelings.
- Emotional Safety. Psychological safety occurs when we feel like we can trust one another, enough to express our ideas and opinions, and to take risks – all without fear of repercussions.
- Openness. This is reflected in a desire to seek the truth, regardless of the source. It includes willingness to hear new and different perspectives, even to question traditional assumptions. Openness acknowledges that we do not possess all information and all truth, so we don’t get defensive when critical information about the group comes to light. People are not judged or criticized if they go against the group’s norms.
- Inclusiveness. We are willing to include many different types of people, and we treat them all fairly. Each person feels welcome and loved, without having to meet certain requirements. Outsiders do not perceive that barriers to entry in the group are too high.
- Being present. When we spend time with the community, we are fully present, so we give the group and the people within it our attention. Meetings and activities are worth being present for.
- Purpose. Perhaps the most important element of an intentional community, purpose unites people to a common cause. When we have a common purpose, particularly one that is other-focused and greater than ourselves, we start heading in the same direction. We are then able to devote our attention to the purpose, and not to unimportant matters like how people look.
[Related: Managing Toxic Relationships]
Community in the LDS World.
Community is intertwined with the LDS Church’s DNA. The concept is supported in LDS scriptures and has been shaped by the church’s history, including opposition. In their literature, the LDS Church defines what community means to them. They speak in terms of “communitarian idealism,” which means simply “they take care of their own.” Community is largely defined in official church statements in terms of external and practical service. Members help each other move in and out, bring meals, and introduce each other to new friends.
The LDS experience of community has many opportunities for commonly held values and life patterns, and shared experiences, leading to a common sense of identity and purpose. Mutual trust operates on many levels – yet not all. You can trust people to help when you have a practical need. But can you trust people to listen and help when you have doubts about the church, or when you aren’t living up to the perceived norms of faithful membership?
Some members experience Mormonism as a perfectionistic religion based on outward achievement. That can make interpersonal vulnerability seem uncomfortable. People in many religious contexts are hesitant to share openly about internal struggles or doubts lest they be deemed “unworthy”. In any setting, emotional safety and personal vulnerability cannot exist without genuine, non-judgemental grace. And without vulnerability, true relational intimacy cannot thrive.
Finding Community Outside the LDS Church.
Many quality expressions of community exist outside of the LDS Church. One way to find this kind of intentional group is by pursuing hobbies and interests. Yet your spouse or children may not share the same interests as you, in the same way. Another way to connect with a group of people is by volunteering. Volunteer teams often experience many of the best elements of community. However, activities like hobbies or volunteer service may not fill the void created by leaving an all-encompassing group like the LDS Church. Also, if you are interested in exploring a new expression of faith, these other groups would not provide that element of community. For those interested, a faith community can go deeper than superficial hobbies and interests, and can unite you with others at a more fulfilling personal level.
[Related: Transition Step 5: Connect to a New Community]
Obstacles to Community for Former LDS.
Regardless of where community is sought – in a club, a hobby group, an athletic team, etc. – be aware of some obstacles that former LDS often face when trying to connect with others. Some report feeling jaded in their view of relationships. Their past experience leads them to assume that others feel obliged to be their friends, or that relationships are merely transactional, or that people want to get closer in order to manipulate them in some way.
Likewise, much of LDS social life is done by assignment. You meet people because you’re in the same quorum or on the same service team. Or you connect because your ministering brothers or sisters are assigned to you. These “pre-made” relationships can make it hard for some former Latter-day Saints to know how to make friends outside of Mormonism.
But even though it might take time to reshape your relational life, and you may have setbacks and disappointments along the way, the benefits of connecting in community with others make the effort well worth it!
[Related: Avoiding Isolation After Mormonism]
