Guilt and shame are common challenges in a transition from a high-demand religion.
Where Guilt Comes From.
Guilt is an emotional response that occurs when we believe we’ve done something wrong or failed to meet a specific standard either you or someone else has set. This is why guilt is normal in a high-demand religion.
After decades of mental conditioning, guilt can become a way of experiencing life even after leaving the LDS Church and culture. Aside from the free-floating guilt you may have cultivated as a Latter-day Saint, the transition out of Mormonism can raise new feelings of failure. For example, you may feel guilt over your activity in and loyalty to a religious system that proved to be false. Or you may feel guilty about raising your family in it, about the people you converted on your mission, or about your attitude toward people you judged or felt superior toward, like non-members or people who don’t live up to “church standards.” (Note: while the LDS Church doesn’t formally teach you to judge others, the culture does seem to lean strongly in that direction.)
Dealing with Guilt.
Like other emotions, guilt can be constructive or harmful. Guilt is helpful if it leads you to acknowledge something that you have actually done wrong, and prompts you make things right. That’s always a win in life. But guilt can be destructive if it is not connected to any specific event or action. This “free-floating guilt” does not allow you to ask forgiveness or make amends.
It’s important to acknowledge the feeling of guilt when it happens. Then assess whether you have objectively done something to violate your own values or mistreat someone else, or whether you are reacting to the controlling conditioning you received. If you’ve done something that needs to be set right, go do it.
[Related: Overcoming Fear and Regret After Mormonism]
[Related: Understanding Forgiveness After Mormonism]
Where Shame Comes From.
If guilt is a negative feeling about what you have done, shame. by contrast, can be defined as a negative feeling about who you are. Shame isn’t always linked to a specific action, and can encompass our entire identity. Shame is the feeling that you are flawed or unworthy. In short, guilt says, “I did a bad thing”, while shame says, “I am a bad person.”
While guilt can encourage us to fix what we’ve done wrong, helping us grow and learn, shame can make us feel so overwhelmed that we can’t see a path to improvement.
Shame is common enough for active Latter-day Saints, because LDS identity is so often linked to personal worthiness, and worthiness is defined by external characteristics and activities. But shame may also plague people after they have left Mormonism. It can be driven by having practiced a system you now see as harmful. Or you may feel shame over having brought others into that belief system and culture.
Dealing with Shame.
Remember that past actions do not define who you are. You can grow past previous choices and attitudes. You are not defined by what other people think of you.
Again, acknowledge the shame you feel. See if you can identify what ideas or assumptions lie beneath the emotion. In other words, exactly why do you feel like you’re a bad or unworthy person? Assess where those harmful assumptions come from and correct them with true statements you can repeat to yourself whenever shame occurs. If you are a follower of Jesus, the truth about who you are is rooted in the Bible’s statements about your identity in Christ and how God sees you through Jesus.
[Related: Gaining a New Identity After Mormonism]
