Most transitioning Mormons go through a sense of loss. A caring mentor can help them rebuild social networks, structures of meaning, and a sense of personal identity – apart from the LDS church. Here are some suggestions.
Empathize with the Loss
When your former LDS friend expresses sadness about losing some aspect of Mormonism, grieve with them. Respect the process. Give them time. Let them know that you care about how they are feeling.
Romans 12:15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.
Don’t judge or over-react when your friend expresses a longing for certain elements of Mormonism. Not every aspect of Mormon life is bad or wrong. This sense of loss probably does not reflect unbelief, compromise, or sin. It makes sense when you understand the nature of a cultural identity (see Lesson 1). Anyone uprooted to a new country, with different customs and traditions, will miss many elements of their home culture. This is true even if they don’t ever want to go back. Give them space to grieve the loss of cherished traditions, rituals, and life patterns.
[Related: Some Do’s and Dont’s for Helping Those Who Are Grieving]
Refocus Identity
One important perspective you can help a person understand is that everyone suffers loss of some kind to follow Jesus (Luke 9:57-62). This is true whether they are coming out of Mormonism or any other background. We all have an old life that we leave behind to pursue God. It is a process to learn how to live this new life in Christ, and how to incorporate all of its new resources into our lives (Philippians 3:1-14). Christians are children of God (Romans 8:15-17). For everyone who has lost something to follow him, Jesus promises an abundant life now and eternal life to come.
Matthew 19:29 And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life.
Your goal is to help your friend find their identity, not in some church or institution, but in Christ (see Lesson 1). As they come to embrace a biblical faith in Jesus, the Bible declares them to now be united with him (Ephesians 2:13). This is the most important aspect of their identity. They just happen to have been Mormon at one time in life, just as they happen to be American or Asian, or female or male, young or old. Be patient with this process. There is no simple technique for forming a new identity. It takes time in exposure to a new culture and community.
[Related: Gaining a New Identity After Mormonism]
[Related: Where Do You Find Your Identity?]
Rebuild Relationships
A caring mentor can help former Mormons deal with the loss of relationships in two ways. First, help them stay connected to past relationships as much as possible, even if awkward or painful. Many ex-Mormons want to burn bridges right away to alleviate the discomfort. Others come on so strong in their new convictions that they alienate the Mormons in their lives. This only brings a backlash of opposition upon themselves. They need to learn to respond with patient and grace.
Romans 12:18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Remind them that their LDS family members are confused themselves, and may be responding based on the only cultural patterns they know. Remind them that those relationships are valuable. Cutting ties can create long-term regret. Also, a Christ-like response to relationships can open doors later, once friends and family members have adjusted to the new situation. The effort is worth it. Once bridges are burned, they can be very hard to rebuild.
[Related: Frustrations in Talking About Your New Faith After Mormonism]
[Related: What Mormons Will Say When You Leave]
[Related: Channel Your Zeal After Leaving Mormonism]
Second, help your friend to build new relationships, especially in the faith community. Help them develop a biblical perspective on relationships by showing them how much God values relationships (Hebrews 10:24-25; 1 Thessalonians 5:14). When you have your friend over, or do an activity with him or her, include other friends. Invite them to your small group. Don’t bear all the weight of the relationship yourself. Spread it around. This will help you keep good boundaries and will also help your friend make new friends.
[Related: How Friendship Works]
[Related: How to Make Friends]
Regain Equilibrium
The journey from Mormonism to a new faith and a new community is difficult. It doesn’t happen overnight and can’t be rushed. Be patient. Don’t push. And help people to be patient with themselves. Life can continue to be unsettled at some level for months or even years. A troubling feeling or question may arise seemingly out of nowhere. The three most important elements in regaining equilibrium are time, relationships, and good information. But your friend may not connect relationally very easily. He or she may not accept all of the new perspective you offer – at least not immediately. You may not see the progress you hope for. Be ready to stick with them unconditionally. They may act in ways that test your commitment. Don’t judge them or give up on them. Keep working on it.
[Related: Finding Community in Your New Church]
The journey out of Mormonism into a new faith in Christ is complex. There is far more to it than just “stop believing this and now believe that.” It’s hard to go through loss. Your patience and empathy are your greatest assets if you want to help.
