Sometimes, when someone reveals the questions they’re harboring about the LDS Church to their spouse, he or she will find that their partner has some of the same questions. They both feared that the other would reject them if they opened up about their doubts, but now they come together. At other times, they find that their partner will resist at first, but will come around as they become more aware of the problem issues. Often, however, the active LDS spouse will continue to resist.
What If Your Spouse Resists Your Faith Transition?.
As they realize your growing concerns about the LDS Church, your spouse may try to counter what you have learned. They may rally the ward community to try to pressure you. They may become emotionally agitated. In their mind, your apostasy threatens a great deal, both in this life and the next. When your partner’s attempts to bring you back to the church fail, they may issue an ultimatum. For instance, they may warn that if you don’t come around, the marriage will end in divorce, because if you cannot be the faithful father or mother your children need, or if you cannot contribute to the family’s eternal union, they will need to find someone else who can.
[Related: Solving Family Issues as You Leave Mormonism]
Understand Your Spouse’s Fears.
Yet even during the stress of a faith crisis, when both husband and wife are committed enough to each other, they can stay together even when they disagree about religious beliefs and practices. One factor that helps couples through conflict is when each understands the fears that may be driving their spouse, such as:
- Who am I?
- Who are you?
- Where do I belong?
- Who can I trust?
- How am I perceived?
- Will I still be loved?
- What does this mean for our eternal marriage?
- What effect will this have on our children?
- What does this mean to our standing in the community?
- How can we relate well to one another?
[Related: Understanding Forgiveness After Mormonism]
How to Make Progress.
In spite of the challenges, many couples have built a stable mixed-faith marriage after their religious commitments have diverged. Here are some ideas we can learn from them:
- Go slow. Resist reacting to your spouse’s fear. Be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.
- Provide reassurance of your commitment to your partner. Empathize with and validate what they are experiencing, even if you don’t agree. Show genuine interest in them and their perspective. Use respectful versus inflammatory language.
- Double down on emotional intimacy. Practice unselfish, unconditional love toward them. Find ways that speak to them, on their emotional “turf”. For example, express yourself in their love languages.
- Keep communicating. Talk openly about your needs, your feelings and fears. Ask them about theirs.
- Create emotional safety. Express what you desire in terms of requests rather than demands. Repeatedly make statements like:
- “You don’t need to agree with me for me to love you.”
- “There are a lot of emotions I’m still working through. I’ll try to process my emotions – like anger – without involving you. But it’s likely that sometimes you’ll see it’s there. If I’m angry at the Church, it doesn’t mean I’m angry at you.”
- “I understand there are a lot of emotions you’re working through. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt, confused or angry. I’m telling you how my beliefs have changed because I love you and I wouldn’t want to hide this from you.”
- Find ways to connect that don’t involve tension. For example, pursue common interests that are unrelated to the Church. Set aside time where you agree not to talk about the Church.
In the whole process, listen for ways you can support your spouse without sacrificing your own mental & emotional health.
[Related: Dos and Don’ts for Families Divided by Mormonism]
Deciding What Comes Next.
Even if your spouse agrees with you about the problems with the LDS Church, he or she may not agree about what comes next for your family. The two of you may not be comfortable with the same level of freedom to experiment with different lifestyle choices, like alcohol. Or one of you may desire to explore other forms of faith, while the other may want to reject faith entirely. Keep the lines of communication open. Don’t presume that you know how your spouse feels about these kinds of issues until you have talked about it.
When you do disagree, you will have to establish family practices that respect both partners’ positions, especially where children are involved. For instance, in some families, children attend church with each parent on alternate weekends. Other families have a generic Family Home Evening, finding common ground by focusing on shared values, and by using just the Bible as a resource.
Practical Ideas.
A few practical steps can help you make it through this difficult time. First of all, if things have gotten heated at home, take a step to de-escalate. Apologize if you need to. Start a conversation with your spouse about how to lower the temperature, based on your mutual love and care for each other.
Second, it may a good idea for you and your spouse to get help from a supportive therapist, a neutral voice who can help guide your communication as a couple.
Also, I suggest you pray about your relationship with your spouse. Be open with God about what you’re feeling. Confess ways that you’ve blown it. Pray for wisdom and courage to do whatever you need to do. Pray for your partner. Ask God to bless them, to open their hearts and to give them peace during the challenging process you’re facing.
[Related: How Your Closest Family Will Respond to Your Faith Transition]
