Many parents have made a decision to leave Mormonism when their children who live at home are still actively involved in the LDS church. How you talk to your children about that will be important to their sense of stability and trust in their parents. This is especially true if your partner does not agree with your transition. You will need to work out a mutually respectful position with your spouse about how to speak to your children, and how to manage their religious activities.
How to Tell Your Children About Your Faith Journey.
At some point you will need to tell your children about your decision to step away from the LDS Church. You’ve been learning about problems in church history and doctrine. Perhaps you’re discovering a new kind of faith in Christ. As you speak to them, keep in mind that this will be awkward and confusing for them. They may have a wide variety of emotions, from curiosity to anxiety to antagonism – all at once! Be patient. It can be a slow process.
When the time comes to explain the reasons for your faith decision, don’t be harsh or sarcastic toward Mormonism. Introduce new ideas a bit at a time. Gauge their level of interest and awareness, to avoid inundating them with too much information all at once. If you don’t move at their pace, you risk losing their hearts.
How Your Children Might Respond – and Why.
Your children may push back against your decision. If they are teenagers, they may become rebellious and not want to talk to you. Remember that, at their age, they are trying to find their own identity in life. If your withdrawal from the Church threatens to undermine the stability and certainty in their lives, they can become angry and even more confused. Also, be sensitive to their emotions about their own Church involvement. They may have to pay a social cost because of your decisions. So work to maintain trust and communication with them above all else. Make the effort to repair anything that might be strained in your relationship with them.
Whether your children decide to follow you will depend on many factors. For example, consider their age. Any family changes are harder for teenagers, because they are developing a perspective and experience increasingly independent from their parents. Their stance toward change will be affected by how well you empathize and communicate with them.
[Related: Helping Your Children Transition Out of Mormonism]
[Related: How Your Closest Family Will Respond to Your Faith Transition]
Co-Parenting with Your Spouse.
Even if your spouse agrees with you about the problems you’ve found with the LDS Church, he or she may not agree about what comes next for your family. The two of you may not be comfortable with the same level of freedom to experiment with different lifestyle choices – like alcohol. One of you may desire to explore other forms of faith, while the other may want to reject faith entirely. So keep the lines of communication open. Don’t presume to know how your spouse feels about these kinds of issues until they tell you.
Of course, your spouse may not agree with you about the problems you find in the LDS Church. This will powerfully affect your children’s ultimate decisions about faith. Your children will be influenced by whether your spouse is open to them choosing to follow your lead when they reach a certain age. When two parents don’t agree, you will have to establish family practices that respect both parents’ positions. For example, in some families, children attend church with each parent on alternate weekends. Other families have a generic Family Home Evening, finding common ground by focusing on shared values, and by using just the Bible as a resource.
You’ll need to work together to decide at what age your children will be allowed to make their own choices about what form of faith to pursue or practice. And don’t turn your relationship with your kids into a competition. Finally, whatever decisions you have communicated about your children’s personal decisions, don’t go back on them if they don’t turn out the way you hoped.
In the end, the most important factor in all of these challenging family relationship scenarios is probably this: what kind of person will YOU be through your own transition?
[Related: Helping Your Spouse Deal with Your Faith Transition]
