Solving Family Issues as You Leave Mormonism

In LDS culture, family is very important. One of the biggest challenges of leaving the LDS Church is the possible effect on family relationships. Your immediate family will likely be devastated by your decision. They may go through a period of denial. They will often feel frustrated, confused, or threatened. Family members don’t always know how to engage in a helpful way. It helps to realize that your LDS family members are likely responding to your decision based on the only cultural patterns they know. When you think of what the LDS Church means to them, it makes sense why they react the way they do. With that in mind, considers some ideas on how to make it through this challenge.

[Related: How Your Closest Family Will Respond to Your Faith Transition]

How to Tell Your Family.

Don’t wait too long to express your decision about the Church. While this is usually pretty scary, you will feel better to have it settled. The initial conversation will be hard. Emotions will run high. Many people find that prayer is a key element in equipping you to have these conversations. 

Telling your spouse or children involves another layer of complexity (which we address in a separate topic), but let me suggest an approach for your parents, siblings, or other close relatives when you do find a time to talk:

• State what you don’t believe. Do this in a non-abrasive, non-challenging tone. It’s best if you don’t give all the details of everything you’ve rejected. Keep it simple. For example: “I don’t believe the Church is true.” You may want to explain what you intend to do about that, although you don’t have to: “I’m not going to be involved in church activities any longer.” 
• Second, state what you do believe now. Again, keep it simple. “I want to find a new way to pursue Jesus. I believe the Bible is true.” Then, if you choose, you can express what that means in practice. “I’m going to look for a new church that teaches the Bible and is centered on Jesus.”
• Make sure you communicate your love and appreciation for the people you’re disclosing to. “I love you and that will never change. I appreciate the values you raised me with. I want to continue having a close relationship with you – but not based on the Church.”
• Then explain the values your family will hold going forward. “We still want faith to be a part of our lives. And we still believe in many of the positive virtues that the LDS Church represents.”

Keep it clear, straightforward and simple. Stick to the basics. You can answer simple questions, but be discerning. Don’t share too much. There is no need to debate about all the issues or get into all the detailed factors that informed your decision. Be open to continued discussions later, but after everyone has adapted to the initial shock.

[Related: Dos and Don’ts for Families Divided by Mormonism]

Be Sensitive to the Fears Driving Your Family.

This may be especially true of your parents. Give them reassurance, while upholding your choices and boundaries.

• One fear they may be feeling: “I failed you. I did something wrong. It’s my fault you don’t believe.”
  • Your response: “This isn’t about anything you did wrong. Nothing you could have done differently would have prevented me from my decision.”
• Another fear: “We can’t be together forever.”
  • Your response: “I know you want an eternal family. I’m not leaving the church because I don’t want to be with all of you. I just don’t believe the Church holds the keys to seal people together that way.”
• A third fear: “My grandkids might be in danger and so might my relationship with them.”
  • Your response: “I know you love your grandchildren and they love you, too. I want you to continue to have a fabulous relationship with them. You may not agree with my parenting decisions and that’s ok. I’m sure I’ll make mistakes. But I’m their parent and I need to do what I believe is right for my kids.”

With your children in mind, the next point is very important, but not always easy.

[Related: Helping Your Spouse Deal with Your Faith Transition]

Setting Boundaries As You Leave.

In closer family relationships, boundary-setting is important because your parents and siblings likely have greater access to and influence on your children. For example, your parents might send your kids religious gifts, or invite them (behind your back) to LDS events. Here’s how boundary setting skills might work out in a situation like that:

• Be specific about what you want to happen: “I want to raise my kids without LDS interference.” 
• Make your goal clear: “I don’t want my kids to be invited to Young Women’s or Young Men’s events, or to feel left out if they aren’t.”
• Express the specific boundary you have in mind: “Please do not invite my children to LDS church functions, either directly or implicitly.”
• If the boundary is violated, follow through with love: “You must have forgotten that I asked you not to invite the kids to this kind of event. I know that you love them and want the best for them, and I know that you don’t agree with my decision about the Church. But I must insist that you observe the boundaries I have set.”

[Related: Setting Boundaries from Family Pressure]

Preserving Relationships.

In most situations, staying connected is worthwhile, as much as possible, even if it is awkward or painful. So try to communicate in a way that keeps the door open. That means you focus less on what they will think of you and more on what kind of friend or family member you want to be. What do you value, and how will you live those values in your changing relationships?

For example, don’t be antagonistic or adversarial. Adopt an attitude of gracious love and respect. If someone asks you, offer information about why you made your choice, but don’t cram your reasons down their throat. Try to be respectful and civil. Don’t let your emotions lead the way. If you come across as angry, others will find this threatening. 

One impulse people feel is to burn bridges right away to alleviate the discomfort. Another response is to come on so strongly in your new convictions that you alienate the Latter-day Saints in your life. Don’t be surprised if people push back when you come on strong. They probably won’t hear all the evidence or issues you raise because they’ll be in full defense and panic mode. So learn to respond with patience and grace. Maintaining relationships with your friends, your extended family members, and even your neighbors is a win!

Your relationships are valuable. The effort is worth it. Cutting ties with friends and family can create long-term regret, and bridges burned are hard to rebuild. A gracious response now can open doors later, after family and friends have adjusted to the new situation. In the long run, God may use your gentle truth-telling and your perseverance in the face of hostility to stir up something positive in another person’s heart. Of course, you cannot control how people respond to your news. But remember that Jesus is greater than people’s response. Jesus is more important than what others think or how they treat you. He is at work, and he can use even a hostile response from others to do something constructive in your life.

[Related: How Your Extended Family Will Respond to Your Faith Transition]