One of the biggest hurdles in a mentoring relationship is just how to get started. Every relationship will be somewhat different. But I think we can boil it down to two general kinds of mentoring relationships where the first steps will be a bit different.
First Steps with Someone You Know
First, you might have an opportunity to mentor someone you already know – perhaps a friend or someone at your church or in your neighborhood you could invite into an intentional mentoring relationship. The advantage is that you are already acquainted, so you probably already have some trust with that person and you know something about their personal history and faith journey. If there is someone like that in your life, we encourage you to go for it!
You might approach them like this: “The Bible says it’s important for us to help each other grow as followers of Jesus. That kind of relationship has been really helpful for me. Would you be interested in meeting with me every week for a few weeks to try that? Jesus called it making disciples, but sometimes I just call it mentoring.”
If they agree, you work out the time and place and send them the first topic.
Never ask for a long-term commitment. People will commit to four weeks, but not four years – or even four months. They want a chance to test-drive it. So just start meeting and see what happens. You can continue renewing the commitment as you move forward.
Let’s say you’re having a conversation with this person, maybe over coffee, at your house, or after church. A subject comes up in the natural course of the conversation. You can turn the conversation into a mentoring invitation. For example, if your friend expresses some frustration about how their family is responding to their new faith commitment, you could say, “Wow, Jesus talks about that in Matthew 19. Can we get together to show you what I mean?” Or, “I saw a video that addresses that issue. Let me send you the link and we’ll get together next week to talk about it.” Then you schedule that next conversation.
Then, at the end of that meeting, you might say, “This has been great. Let’s do this on a regular basis. Can we meet again next week? I’ll send you another video.”
First Steps with Someone “Handed Off” to You
The second situation is what we call a “hand-off”, where you might be asked to mentor someone you’ve never met. In that case, the first steps will be different. In some ways this situation is harder because you have no idea of this person’s history, needs, personality, etc. What makes a “hand-off” easier is that the person may have requested it – from Faith After Mormonism or from their pastor – and also because you have been asked by someone in authority or with credibility to do it. “Pastor Smith asked me to reach out to you.” That gives you a natural opening.
First, you have to make initial contact. This is probably going to be by email or phone. Introduce yourself. Give a quick overview of why you’re contacting them and what they can expect in a mentoring relationship.
Then you invite them into this process. It’s an opportunity for them to opt in or out, now that they’ve heard more about it. At that point, you make an appointment for the next meeting, or you make a standing appointment for the next few meetings.
Start by Connecting Personally
Whether you meet in person, on the phone, or with FaceTime or Zoom, the first meetings are all about connecting personally. Early on, focus mainly on listening and asking good questions, just to get to know them and their story. You can share your story some, but don’t dominate. Let them talk.
You don’t have to do a topic right off the bat. Your initial goal is to gauge where they are at with Jesus, with their family, in their understanding of things, and in their emotional journey, so you can suggest topics more wisely.
This is also a time to demonstrate genuine care and interest in them, setting the tone for future meetings by being a safe person they can talk to.
Realistically, there will be some awkwardness at first. You just have to be okay with that. What overcomes the awkwardness is when you are clear about why you are meeting and you lead with confidence.
Begin to Introduce More Structure
You will want to start introducing more intentional structure and content by the second meeting (or third meeting at latest). Start by choosing topics that reflect the felt needs they have expressed. Or use one of the “Core Series” found on the Faith After Mormonism web site.
Then, as you move forward, you will be guided by the four goals of mentoring we talked about in an earlier video, moving from meeting felt needs more and more toward intentional growth in following Jesus.
[Related: Introduction to the Mentoring Process]
Cast Vision for the Four Mentoring Goals
At some point, when you have established good trust and rapport, you should share the four goals with them. I want them to know where the process is going, and to gain a vision for what God can do in their life. Knowing this is inspiring, but it also keeps them from getting too dependent on you.
You might say, “What I am doing with you, you can do the same thing with someone else one day.” They may not embrace the idea of mentoring someone else, but assure them that God has great plans for their life, and that you will be supportive at every step along the pathway.
Remember: We Learn by Doing
You may not feel confident about this right away, but you will learn this by doing it. No one will be perfect at first. But it’s an opportunity to trust what God can do through you when you’re surrendered to him.
Your supervisor at Faith After Mormonism is a great resource who can pray for you and help you troubleshoot how your first steps are going. So stay connected to the Holy Spirit, and stay connected to your supervisor.
